Day eleven of meditation

I did it! I meditated BEFORE work in the morning!!!!

I got up at the same time but wasn’t feeling so well so I packed my breakfast up for arriving at work and meditated instead 🙂

Problems: I found my mind a little anxious about missing my bus, not being able to know what the time was and all.

Points of concern: I found it interesting that given I’d only had, what… Half an hour maximum of a conscious mind that it was ALREADY racing.

Take-aways: meditation is clearly so important for me. I reeeeally need to keep at it to give my mind some clarity and calm. Plus, meditation in the morning, though still not ideal before work, was better than after work in the evening.

Learning points: today headspace ran through a bit more depression stuff. Separating ourselves from the “depression identity”. I feel depressed/anxious/angry etc therefore that’s what I am, rather than, it’s a feeling and it will pass.

Learning soooo much from the depression pack in headspace, more than I expected to I think. Still struggling with a lot of negative thinking though, as in, it’s creeping back in.

Let me explain. I’ve felt, for the most part (or atleast much more than I have in many months possibly years) rather blissful over the past week.

I’m not sure what the reason is so ill list the combination of things. I started a new herbal medicine. I went on an AMAZING holiday, getting in touch with nature and the great outdoors, reminding myself how much more the world is than just little old me. My boyfriend has turned his own corner And as a result we have both been more caring and understanding towards one another. I wasn’t working or studying. I had connected with friends. My periods had just passed (a time when I commonly feel more peaceful.) AND I STARTED MEDITATING! And I feel like I’m missing something but the point is I wondered which of the factors it was, because many of them are somewhat impossible to maintain permanently. Furthermore because of this I felt fear because, well if you’ve ever heard of “the black dog” it’s easier to explain. The “black dog” does many things, and one of which is wait. It waits and waits and waits, it always comes back. And the knowledge that it is waiting and that it will come back has you thinking of it in the back of your mind even when it’s not around at that moment. Therefore, in a way, it is always with you.

This is how I feel like, even when I’m going well. And the past couple of days I have noticed that black dog, more and more. And every now and again it will bark, or rather I bark for it.

My point is, though I can still hear the black dog, meditation is helping me acknowledge it as something that is separate from myself. I am not the black dog, and perhaps even more importantly, I certainly don’t need a leash for it.

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