I had some really horrible feelings and experiences today..
I won’t explain what they were as this blog isn’t designed for that, but I will tell you they almost stopped me from meditating.
As the anxiety was on top of me and even when it was approaching, I thought of meditation. I was confident it would help. And yet, I didn’t do it. I was determined to succeed at the task at hand because its success felt like life or death.
I think even as I was making this decision I knew, “these are the moments you need meditation most. Why aren’t you just pressing pause on this task to give yourself some headspace? Some presence of mind? Some clarity?”
I couldn’t let go, I held on to this thing I thought I had to perfect, and finish. It became so important than when I hit wall after wall I got more and more panicked. I ended up having a full fledge attack. Alone. At home… Suicidal thoughts crept in. I felt wildly out of control.
And still I didn’t meditate.
It wasn’t until I eventually had some success with my task that I eventually was able to do something nurturing for myself. I took myself to dinner and a movie because my boyfriend was out and I didn’t feel like staying at home, I wanted to get out of the house. It was the right decision. When I got home, I meditated. I had difficulties, there are a few issues that have carried over from the last few days, but I persisted.
Now, I’ve completed my 21st day of the headspace depression pack. An introduction to looking past the self to others. It was interesting and challenging.
I feel like such an infant in this world of meditation and wholistic thinking. But it gives me a new hope for what, very recently, felt like a lost cause. Even today it all felt hopeless, but I recovered. I’m not sure how yet, but I imagine meditation had a lot to do with it.