The tough question

Who would really miss me if I was gone?

Not important. Let me start again.

Why is it such a terrible thing if I end it all?

(Note, no actual suicidal thoughts in play here).

At worst… I’d love a break from feeling so pressured by people (ESP my partner) to be more than I am.

I’m feeling very “not good enough” the last few days.

I know that’s how I feel on a regular basis. Plus it is not original. But still. It’s come up again.

My partner lies asleep in the next room, and yet I’m awake thinking about my importance in this world. In my own skin. I feel very disconnected from him and my friends and, honestly, from everyone. When I talk to my partner he is frustrated with me (completely understandably, it’s a frustrating attitude to deal with), when I talk to my friends they are annoyingly reassuring, when I talk to myself I’m a bag of pessimism.

Honestly. Clarity? How should I know.

Honesty is hard.. Trust is harder… Self-belief is a whole different ball park. I’m not even sure I know the sport let alone which field those people are playing in today.

Granted I regularly struggle with self-acceptance, but… The age old question really plagues me… 
Who am I?


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