I often pass off my low self-esteem as my beliefs about being humble… But I realised today that sometimes that’s kind of bullshit.
I feel embarrassed, or stupid and think that ACKNOWLEDGING the “dumb thing I did” is humble… It’s not! It’s just me saying to society, I accept your definition of what’s “normal” and how I’m “supposed to be” and as a result when I’m not like that I’m going to judge myself.
But right now I’m realising I’d like to choose to say… fuck that! Because, when you see people who are obviously different from the pack it’d be easy for them to judge themselves and say “I’m too this” or “I’m too that” but really, I don’t think they need to. Not always, anyway.
Occasionally I think I need to say, “yeh I do talk a lot, so what?! Should I be ashamed I speak my mind because you don’t? Should I be ashamed I want to have energetic conversation? Should I instead want to sit somewhere silently saying polite courteous things? That’s not me, is that so bad?!”
I don’t want to fall in the trap of being defensive, or accusing others that THEY are in fact the ones in the wrong, because that’s not how I feel either.
But I’m certainly well and truly sick of beating myself up all the time because I’m not the picture every one else is or thinks I should be. In fact, I may even be reading into things too much, with my negativity bias the way it is sometimes they may not be judging me at all, and yet I pass off this assumed judgement from them as a reason to then judge myself. They may not even feel that way in the first place half of the time!!
But let’s assume they are, even in this case, some people who stand out for certain things do sometimes get judged for those personality traits, but they are the same traits that in a different circle are what they are adored for. Cherished for. Missed for. Sought out for.
I’m sick of punishing myself, saying I’m either too loud in social sotuations or too quiet and uncomfortable in social situation so, saying I’m too judgemental, the list goes on forever (believe me!).
I’m awesome just how I am for my own reasons. No more beating myself up over standards that don’t even exist. Personality judgement is completely subjective anyway, I’m done guessing what people are thinking. Because the truth is, when it comes to “what makes a person awesome” it’s completely subjective, despite what the media and pop culture would like us to think there is no societal consensus on the matter. So I may as well just be ME and find the people that are ok with that along the way.
Expressive month, taking charge! Time to just be me and let the chips fall where they may.
Sure it’s harder when it’s family (or worse, my partners family) who do not seem happy with me, side ways glances, quiet in response to things I say and so forth, but I still can’t let that stop me being me. I can’t let myself go home and crucify myself over every possible thought they may or may not have been had. I can’t keep doing that to myself, no one should.
I’m me. And me is something I should be ok with.